apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
