I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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