can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
