Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
