Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
