sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
