I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
