it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
