You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
