Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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