I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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