Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Randomize
