OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
