you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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