I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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