Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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