Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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