I'm so fucking centered right now
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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