I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
