Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
time to smoke my breakfast
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
