I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
