My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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