is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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