When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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