at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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