question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
