Taylor Swift is so right about you.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
