His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
