Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
