The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
