Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
