Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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