My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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