The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
