just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
