Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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