Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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