I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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