Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
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