At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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