so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
