You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
