i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
