Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
