I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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