it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
