Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
