don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Still dying that you shit outside
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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