i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
