i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Randomize
