Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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